I'm going to fix everything in Autumn 2020
Updated: Sep 25
September carries us from one country to another. It opens with days that seem to stretch its arms out, grasping at the trailing ends of British summer as it's fingers graze the edges of 9pm sunsets in beer gardens, before the it begin to retract and we're handed off to the autumnal embrace of jumpers, fire pits and pumpkin spice lattes.
Summer 2020 did it's best to fight the social barriers in place and present itself as a real season. We walked in the countryside, we sat in socially distanced circles in our friends gardens, we filled our waterways with wild swimmers and paddleboarders. But really, we still missed out on an awful lot.
Fields usually packed with sunburned festival goers were left to the bastard cows. Weddings were miniaturised. Holidays were cancelled. Major international sporting events were postponed. I'm surprised my Netflix account hasn't worn out like the waistband of my pyjamas, such is the work it put them both through without my usual summer calendar of things.
But, as autumn arrives, lets adjust. There are myriad events that might be spoiled if we don't take action and, to save you the effort, I've come up with a series of fool proof plans to rescue all our favourite autumnal stuff:
Pumpkin Spice Everything
First of all, shut your filthy mouth. Before you even think about throwing insults my way, don't bother. Hating popular things doesn't make you cool and I love a god damned PSL. So, before you start calling me names like "pumpkin shagger" or "pumpkin spice twatte" or "squash gobbler" or you travel back in time to 2015 and start calling me "basic", you should know that I'm here trying to make the world a better place with helpful, realistic suggestions and you can keep your negativity to yourself thank you very much...
Anyway. I believe the government should organise and distribute Pumpkin Spice care packs to every citizen in the UK and take it out of the Intelligence budget, because spies really can't have that much going on right now.
Each care pack would contain:
1 bottle of pumpkin spice syrup,
1 pumpkin spice candle,
1 tub of vanilla pumpkin body butter,
1 pair of Vans Ultrarange Exo Hi MTE Shoes in the "Pumpkin Spice" colourway, (for all the fun outdoor things we have to do now we've grown to resent our once beloved sofas).
I estimate the cost of this would be around £6-7bn but we're saving £350m a week by leaving the EU so we'll pay this off in about four months, easy.
First of all - IT IS NOT CLEVER OR FUNNY TO GO OUT ON HALLOWEEN DRESSED AS AN ANTI-MASKER!
Yes, they are a scary breed of people who deserve to be mocked, but lets do that in the most powerful way we have available; scathing tweets. There's no need to play into their hands by doing the very thing they want people to do and not wear a mask.
So, make sure you mask up. And what better time of year to wear a mask than the holiday that somehow keeps businesses like this afloat. There are untold numbers of mask options for Halloween, especially since the 1990s when people stopped caring about things, you no longer had to dress as something scary at Halloween and you could make a costume out of almost anything.
Yeah, you can still go with your classics; Vampires, Zombies, Devils. Or go for all 3-in-1 and dress as a politician (Boom! Satire!). But nowadays you can dress as anything vaguely spooky and get away with it.
Don't have much time? Why not tuck a tea towel in your collar and carry a knife and fork with you wherever you go; you're an Eat Out to Help Out-er. Up for a niche 2020 pop cultural reference that you won't have the energy to explain to your grandkids in 40 years time? Go as that guy from Tiger King. Fancy a bit of word play? Pop on a space helmet and dress as JK Rowling; you're Astro-TERF.
As long as you wear a mask, I don't care what you dress as.
I've already come up with the perfect system for trick-or-treating in 2020. There's no need to deprive children of the joy of taking candy from strangers (one of my favourite hobbies as a child no matter the time of year).
We can still give away sweets while keeping our distance through a method I've invented involving placing a sweet in your hand, moving your arm at high velocity, then releasing the sweet into the air, projecting the sweet forwards towards the child. I call this technique... hand-move-velocity (or HMV for short).
If we HMV the sweets at children, they'll still be able to wander around town (wearing their hilarious Carol Baskin masks) collecting their goodies and we sensible, tax-paying adults can HMV small, hard items for them to try and catch all evening long. There's no chance this could go wrong at all. Children are notorious for their excellent hand-eye coordination and decision making skills. I have no doubt their will be zero injuries and one billion cases of a good time had.
How much do you mull? If the answer is anything less than "every liquid I drink from September 30th to March 1st" then you're doing it wrong.
And the great thing about mulling is that, while it can be a team activity, it's best as a solo event. Sure, mull with your family. Get your kids on the mull. Maybe have a cheeky mull with 5 of your closest friends. But for the purist, the sort of muller who doesn't mull to the crowd, it really is an experience best done alone. Like going for a long run in the woods and/or having a poo.
Easy. Cancel it. You angry? Grow up. It scares this shit out of dogs and cats and creates a tonne of rubbish for no reason other than to remind boring people that they're still alive through the medium of loud noises and pretty colours.
You want explosions? Join the army. You want pretty colours? Take some LSD and go hang out in the paint aisle of Homebase.
In conclusion, roll on everyone's second favourite season. A banging autumn (pun intended) is still on the cards as long as we all stick to my exceptionally well thought out solutions.
You're welcome, world.